When the silence is loud.. navigating the ‘Empty Nest’
The leaves started to change, the schools went back and for many of us the school run became the big Uni run. Cars up and down the country were packed up, pot noodles, veg peelers and beer bought and loved ones left to take important steps on their own. It has been 3 weeks since I left my youngest in Manchester and drove back the same day with anxiety and worry. For those of us in a similar position, how are we fairing ? what are some of the themes, thoughts and feelings we may have? Just like the offspring themselves some of us might be doing less well in the transition than our peers. Some of us might welcome the space some of us might find the silence deafening.
For many mothers and care givers, the move out of the home, signifying (ideally but with cost of living, not necessarily) the transition into independence and true adultness of children can leave us feeling a loss of identity, loneliness, and an uncertainty for the future. Couple that with many of the issues for women in peri and menopause and it can be a heady concoction at best and a terrifying spiral at worst.
Almost half (47%) of British parents whose children have just started university say they are fretting about having an empty nest.
Two-thirds of adults say they have suffered from empty nest syndrome when their children moved out.
70.5% of UK parents felt a sense of loss when their children left home.
94% of parents admitted they were not quite ready for the enforced peace and quiet.
You imagine how many of these are women and you can see this is a very real situation for many of us. One thing is for sure, it helps to have it recognised and vocalised. I think it is also ok to say that the ideal scenario for both mother and child (well, the young adult and also other young children still at home ) is for space and support to be given to express feelings and positive progress to be made, so mothers can find a new chapter in life and for the Uni child involved - freedom to grow, fly and move.
Women leaving their offspring in Halls or anywhere else at Uni are still very much needed, it’s just needed when called upon, and perhaps not stepping in is important for development for the child, but it is also an opportunity for us to develop and hear our own needs now that space has become available. Reframing your mindset and seeing this as a chance to reinvent who you are and what next chapters can be written is a real step for positive change. Rediscovering things you may have set aside, new things you always wanted to try and how to practice some self stuff now you can be more of a priority.
Support from a therapist may well be helpful if you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or are ready to intentionally design your next chapter, professional guidance can be a compassionate next step.
It is very normal to feel the shift when your child leaves, you’re not alone if you are struggling with this. Acknowledge the thoughts, feelings and physical sensations of the empty nest and know that support is out there for you.
A x